Uber share

Just don’t do it. 

Our driver is funny as hell, but I really don’t want to spend the night with him. 

Pick up, drop off, traffic, pick up, drop off….never arrive. 

Ahmad is Iranian and has been married for 42 years and is a total trip. He’s a retired biz owner, 4 grown kids – dentist, lawyer, dancer and biz owner, (says he’s strong in bed, wife can’t handle him 😂😂😂), 9 grandkids and a purse dog. 

See, I’ve obviously been in this car too long. 

Take away….don’t do uber share – unless you want to take the long way home….although you might never get to know Ahmad that way… 

I’m fine

So back in the day, I was taught that the word “fine” was an acronym. It stood for: F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. I have found that this truth still stands today.

Why do we answer this way? Why do we hold on to our hurts, pushing them down, looking the other way? I went to Google for some insight. I stumbled across this article, that hit the nail with a sledgehammer. It was on the money.

 

Who hasn’t had the experience of asking someone whether anything is wrong–for it’s blatantly obvious from their expression or tone of voice that they’re upset–only to have them respond: “No, I’m fine.”? In such instances, clearly they’re not fine but retreating into themselves to avoid a dialogue they fear might end up making them feel worse.

Tendencies toward denial, withdrawal, and self-isolation are common in reaction to deeply felt emotional pain. In fact, one clue that a person is feeling distressed may be in their becoming unusually quiet or shut down. Such silence speaks volumes, and generally the message is: “I’m not going to risk your hurting me more than you already have . . . so I’m putting a wall between us.”

This. Exactly this. Wall building.

I’m a pro at it. Y’all think I share everything, and I do expose more than most, I also have a part of me that is a little girl – and she is FINE.

When someone hurts me, I start construction. And boy am I fast as hell at it. It’s like the Great Wall of China gets built in a matter of minutes. Why though?

I’ve learned over the years that unless I take that bad boy ALL THE WAY down, nothing good can come of it. It’s naturally in the way, protecting me from pain and shielding me from pleasure simultaneously.

So what to do about it? That’s the million dollar question.

Any big change I’ve had in my life, any turning point, required me to burn that wall of fear down to the ground. That’s what it is really, fear. That nasty little bastard.

When I need proof of this fact, the universe has someone send me my own words to listen to – where I announced to many that fear was in fact “not the boss of me!”

Well let’s have a lil chat shall we? Sit right here Fear, I’ve got a few things to say to you. Stop. Just stop. Look, we’re both adults here – and we know that things suck when there’s a fortress around your soul. So who cares if we might get hurt letting it down – we are getting hurt NOW. That’s some f’ed up logic and is most definitely NOT fine.

Last year at Tony Robbin’s Date With Destiny – I learned, practiced, and experienced this truth – if you want 100% amazing awesomeness you have to provide 100% amazing awesomeness on your part or it’s just not possible. Not even a little. The fence is no place to sit. Besides, you’ll get a wedgie.

Go all in. You’ll know one way or another. You will find out if your worst fears are realized or your wildest dreams come true. Let your guard down, take a deep breath, and play full out.

After all, we only get one go around, that we know of anyway, in this world – don’t waste it being FINE.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s not that bad, things are ok this way, I don’t wanna get crushed. Well that automatically means things are not that good either.

Change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Go all in today my friends. You’ll be happy that you did. Fuck fine.

xo

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Eye on the prize

Baby d walks up to me this morning sporting a bottle of cologne….”What’s this mama?”. I say it’s to make you smell good. He immediately follows with, “Can I use it?”.

I instruct him to make sure it is pointing at his body by finding the sprayer before he pushes. We decide his shirt is the best spot for it. So he diligently maneuvers the bottle so that it’s facing his belly and presses down.

It happens in slow motion, I watch the overspray reach his face as he immediately drops the bottle and cries out. We head to the bathroom for a water, towel, and blinking session. Crisis averted.

D then wants to try again. This time he focuses more intensely, lines it up without ever taking his eyes off the sprayer, and pushes down. BAM – this time in his face, worse than before.

Back to the bathroom, with his complexion turning increasingly red from the chemicals, it takes longer to wash it all safely away.

Once we are calmed down, nestled in the car on our way to school, smelling like an Abercrombie & Fitch store – we chat about it.

I say to Dyl – you know how in baseball, wherever you are looking is where you are going to throw the ball? He nods in understanding. The bottle this morning works the same way….you were looking right at it and where did it go? “My eyes”, he says instantly.

What you are looking at is what you are focusing on, and that’s where things will go – I explain to him. I watch his wheels turn, it’s a physical, tangible rule that he totally relates to.

He then changes the subject and begins negotiating for opening the Christmas Countdown Calendar early…we’ve moved on.

It wasn’t until about an hour later, after I dropped him off and had a few moments of quiet to reflect, that the light bulb turns on.

‘Energy goes where attention flows’. I know this principle well. I believe it, remind myself of it, and practice it. Still, it’s a bit woo-woo. It’s simply an idea, with a lot of open mindedness, faith, and pixie dust needed to rally behind it. It’s not something you can scientifically prove….or can you?

I’m currently reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and find my mind being continually blown as the author discusses quantum physic principles and how they connect to the energy and outcomes of our reality. I take the book in tiny chunks, as I stop often to say “OMG!” and bounce these ideas off my tribe as I internalize various pieces.

Back to the cologne incident – which is much easier to digest than advanced science theory – how much more proof do I need?

My brain looks like the inside of a pinball machine as the connecting dots light up. It all comes together in seemingly perfect harmony….what you look for, you will find.

So I ask you this my friends, what are you focusing on? What outcome do you want? Do they match or will you blind yourself with the sweet smell of perfume and wonder why it didn’t work?

 

Princess Parking

This has camped out on my dashboard for 5 years now. Hell, I just begrudgingly mailed in the renewal form this week. We call it “the parking pass”. Membership has its privileges – there’s almost always a spot for me – doesn’t matter if it’s the height of the holiday shopping season or I’m late for a concert….I drive right up to the front. Sounds awesome, right? 

I remember clearly the day my doctor told me to get the permanent one. I had gone through multiple red, temporary tags and I guess she was tired of filling out the form – or she was giving up on me. It felt more like the latter. 
Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis is 2001, I was 10 years in. Which, at that time, was about how long they expected me to be able to walk without assistance having MS. I had just given birth to my 3rd child and all hell broke loose. My immune system declared war on my body, the medical community fought back hard with steroids, chemo, and pain pills. My body was clearly winning, which meant I was defeated. I was told I’d never walk again. 

Fast forward to today. After a pretty lengthy battle, I found that if I was nice to my body, it would be nice to me. I did walk again, and continue to do so today. If you met me on the street, you would never suspect the backstory. 

I walked into my son’s daycare yesterday and the staff told me the police called earlier in the week. It seems they were alerted to the fact that my car was parked in the handicap spot and they were threatening to give me a $500 ticket if they found it there again. I shared with them that I had a tag, and that I, unfortunately , earned it. They had no idea. Most people don’t. 

The world moves too fast to notice that it takes me a few seconds longer to get going. I’ve perfected the art of hiding my limp and I’ve become accustomed to not feeling my legs. I have a host of other symptoms that are now permanent, from the scar tissue surrounding the myelin in my brain and spinal cord. So what. 

I push when I can. I go as far as I possibly can – whether it’s to the couch or across the Grand Canyon. I’ve adapted. Always in the back of my mind are the memories of the wheelchair days, and they can, and have, come back without warning at any time. 

Today is a slow day. So I’m wearing flats and leggings – comfort clothes. I didn’t go back upstairs to kiss my husband goodbye on my way out the door because it just hurt too much. I got a little short with baby d when I had to reach in and buckle his seat belt. I winced when I climbed out of the car. I also did not stop. I smiled and made small talk at drop off. I got to work on time. I made my calls. All of this with the conversation of the previous day weighing on my mind. 

To the person who felt compelled to call the police because I don’t “look” disabled: From every angle that I roll this around in my mind, I come up with the same conclusion: I truly feel for you. I can only surmise that from where you sit there is much pain – either personally or in your circle. The need to judge and police others is so strong for you right now and in my experience we look outward when looking inward is just too much to bear. 

The Jersey girl in me reacts with “bring it”, I’m on the up and up, who the hell are you to be the self proclaimed Parking Nazi. Walk a mile in my shoes – on another day of course because, quite frankly, I can’t do a mile today – and then we can reconvene. In the meantime, fuck off asshole. 

See, I’m just like you. When I don’t want to look inside and realize I have limitations I can’t control – I point outwardly. The only difference is I have carried this cross for long enough that I realized dealing with it was better than hating it. Feeling gratitude for all of the amazing things MS has brought to my life has given me more gifts than you could ever buy in a store. 

I hope that one day your pain will ease a bit, your shift will happen, and you can find joy again. Love what is instead of judging and criticising the world around you. May you find that internal peace we all long for and feel love again. May your heart soften just a bit so you can heal and grow. 

I hope we cross paths again someday, I’d love to learn your story. 

XO 

Am I a narcissist ?

So I texted this very question to two trusted people in my circle, who know me very well, last night. Reading up on relationships and the like I could find some similarities between myself and the telltale “checklists”. 

Their answers were totally opposite and exactly the same. One friend, a seasoned therapist, answered, “nope, not at all”. To which I replied, “Isn’t everyone to some degree?” While I was typing I received my second response from another friend – published author, spiritual guide, free thinker – who immediately said yes, and followed up with, “We all are”.

I laughed and shared their answers with each other. In spite of their polar opposite responses, they were in total agreement. Both were saying the exact same thing. By clinical definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder I was clearly not – the mere act of looking inwardly and pondering such a concept out loud made it almost impossible as introspection and growth are not characteristic of your textbook narcissist. And yes, we all “fall on the spectrum” in one way or another – after all we are humans with needs, egos, fears and desires. 

What I learned from asking the  question had nothing at all to do with narcissism. Instead I gained further insight into how our lens in which we look at the world, our experience, our filter, make all the difference. 

In this case – yes and no meant the same exact thing. It  was their interpretation of the question I presented that led to them answering opposite from each other. 

Life is definitely NOT black and white, yes and no. 

Food for thought. xo

I’ve been told to blog

Mostly because I totally overpost on Facebook and evidently have a lot to say. The last few years have been a whirlwind for me. Thinking back it’s been almost a decade of change – and what has it all brought me?  Where have I ended up after all of the decisions, struggles, changes, reflection?

The defeatist in me wants to say I am no better off than I was on day one. That’s simply because it’s a bad day.  The realist in me knows that is total and utter bullshit. My life is pretty amazing – because I made it that way.

Where to begin?

Hi, my name is Gina. I have been 42 for 2 years now and am the mom of 3 amazing boys: Andrew (21), Jason (18), and baby d (5).  I currently live with my husband of 2 months and together we parent 7 children and 2 cats. I run a real estate business and travel whenever and wherever I can. I prefer vegan over fast food, coffee over tea, real over fake. I believe in energy, the universe, the golden rule, and miracles. I run a #kindgang.

I’m writing all of this out because I believe the world is better together – that we are all similar and can relate to each other – if we open the door.

So, welcome world, the door is open, come on in.

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