Today was a 9, although it started flatlined, even negative…. As I reflect, I’m actually surprised I didn’t let it totally derail me. I sit here quite contented that I had a good day, maybe there really has been a wee bit of personal growth over the last few months…
So y’all know about MS, and my recent 6 day fast in an attempt to reset. Well, it didn’t work. One by one my symptoms came back, worse. My best guess is that there might be some sort of food allergy (getting tested next month) or that the stress of the whole ordeal set me off.
One of my original presenting symptoms was bladder control – at 29 I was mortified. Still am. For the most part it is controlled, only when things get really bad does it come into play. Like last night.
Great way to start the day. Add the second snowless snow day for Dyl, contractors ripping apart my master bath, and a full schedule – I was stressed to the max the second I woke up.
A little short on patience as baby d dilly dallied his way to breakfast, he responded with “I wish I was at papa’s house.” That was one hell of a dagger. I held it together, or so I thought I did, as I limped downstairs to the kitchen when I started sobbing. Piling on the self blame for everything from MS to leaky showers to the dissolution of my first marriage, I threw my tea mug in the sink – and shattered 3 more glasses that were in there in the process. Tears streaming down my face, I began cleaning it up and getting breakfast ready.
Contractors arrive, noise ensues. I serve Dylan his breakfast – complete with strawberry smoothie – that he promptly spills all over the table, chair, and into the cat food.
I literally just finished the great glass massacre cleanup when the strawberry disaster occurs.
More tears. This time both of us.
Meanwhile phone is blowing up, banging from above, cat wants food – life is still going on.
Don’t they know I hurt? Don’t they know that everything in this moment totally sucks?
Or does it.
I took a deep breath. Refocused. Pulled up my big girl panties and proceeded with the day.
And you know what? It got better. Things got done. Progress was made. Joy was had.
So much so that this morning was but a distant memory that I was only reminded of just now when I went to climb into bed, and realized I never finished washing the sheets.
Life is what we make of it. It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we respond. My tears and guilt were normal reactions, it’s ok to feel those feelings, process them, and move on.
When we stay stuck or try to avoid feeling them, we don’t serve ourselves or the universe. We reject the gift that each day is and we let our future be decided for us. That is a life by default.
Mine is a life by design. 💖