Being kind.

I run a kind gang. I turn the other cheek. I give the benefit of the doubt. I firmly believe an eye for an eye and the world goes blind.

I also make mistakes. I get caught up in my emotions. I lose the ability to see the big picture from time to time. I, like most humans, choose to suffer.

I’m learning that having boundaries isn’t mean or unkind. It is, in fact, the kindest thing you can do. It’s wearing your oxygen mask so that you can share your gifts with others.

We are only capable of change within ourselves. We are blessed to be the change we want to see in the world. We can lead others to knowledge, however we cannot make them think.

Being kind does not mean accepting bullshit. It does not mean allowing negativity and poor decisions in your orbit. It means having the integrity to stand up for what you believe in and say goodbye to things that hurt your soul. It’s not mean, it’s not unkind, it is love.

Love for your values and priorities. Love for your spirit and your soul. Love for others – allowing them to be who they are without condoning it or excusing it. Choose the right path – every moment is a choice. Every single second we get to determine which way we are going and what steps we will take to get there. We can choose to lie to pacify or to stand in our truth and hold our head high.

Stand with me. Hold the line. Stay true to the greater good.

We can do this together. And if you’re not ready, that’s OK – the door is always open should you change your mind.

Namaste my friends.

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Truth

I’ve started a bazillion blogs lately. And finished exactly zero.

That says a lot.

I process out loud. I share my thoughts as they come to me and this how I walk through them. When I get quiet, that’s when trouble is a brewing. I’m sitting in it. I literally plop down, halt all action, and remain stuck. All the while looking around and wondering why things suck. So I get moving and think I am on the right the path – when in reality I am now attempting to go around it. I will volunteer for a thousand things, I will start a new project, I will change something – anything to avoid the massive elephant in the room.

Some of these are good things, don’t get me wrong. They are also avoidance techniques.

It occurred to me this morning – as I feel anxiety over what to do next (side note, I hardly ever get anxious – I’m more of a buckle down boot strap kinda gal, so the what if’s don’t stress me out) – that it’s time. Time to take a good hard look at me. Time to climb that next personal mountain. Time to feel some feelings I would prefer to avoid.

In the last 5 years I have changed literally everything – husbands, houses, companies, cars, hair, habits – you name it, I’ve adjusted it. Yet I feel stuck. I see that very little forward progress has been made. I’m sitting and spinning – stalled in front of a pile of feelings.

And yet I’m in the middle of another big move.

Maybe it’s not my address, maybe it’s not my relationship, maybe it’s not my marketing, maybe it’s not my addiction to plants vs zombies, maybe it’s not my clothes – maybe it’s me.

I’m the constant.

How’s that for a duh moment?

Maybe y’all figured this out already. Maybe you know the way to save yourself before you go running around keeping busy saving everyone and everything else.

Seems like I need to stop and put my oxygen mask on first. Whatever I’m inhaling right now is not serving me.

So I start small, I make a list of things to do today based on where I want to go and what I want to do. And I stop myself when I go off track. I am finishing what I’ve started – I am focusing on my big why – my babies. To be the absolute best human I can possibly be and provide them with the tools, teachings, experiences, emotions, and attention they deserve to use their gifts and blossom further into the amazing blessings that they are. Lead by example.

How do I do this?

With a focus on integrity, truth, values, and authenticity. With an open mind and spirit. With the energy and guidance of the universe supporting me. With love and forgiveness.

One breath at a time.

 

 

 

Cape wearing 101

I like to think of myself as a superhero – capable of anything I set my mind to, limitless – because of this, I get to experience so many amazing things! Every once in a while though, I encounter kryptonite. At these times I have to listen to my body and do what’s best for the long haul, think big picture. Pain has been creeping in lately and I’ve largely ignored it. Last night my body said “basta!” I tried every trick in the book and it wasn’t working and I was left with a decision: take traditional medicine and be wiped out for the better part of a day or continue to endure and likely end up worse losing more time as I push beyond my breaking point.
 
Now y’all know I shun modern medicine, not wanting to get caught in the doctor trap where side effect after side effect add up and you don’t even know what the original problem was. I am pretty adamant about letting my body heal itself by taking better care of it – treating it like the miracle that it is….at the same time I am totally grateful for having access to amazing health care and the people who dedicate their lives to the cause.
 
So at around midnight last night I had a sit down with myself and decided that the best course of action was to take medicine to allow my body to chill the f*ck out and get to work healing. I knew it would knock me out for at least 12 hours – however I am no good to anyone if I can’t stop crying or lose mobility completely. So I emailed my morning appointments to let them know I might not be available and swallowed a pill and a little pride at the same time.
 
T tried to wake me up in the morning. Poor guy only wanted me to feel better and was completely helpless – he left a cookie and a cup of tea on my nightstand, turned the ringer up on my phone so he could check on me and kissed my forehead on his way out.
 
I woke up around 11am. Pain level dropped significantly and my body was full of gratitude for the rest. It took me about an hour to fully wake up – and during that time my amazing team had my back. I decided full disclosure was best rather than hiding my weakness and we shared with all who tried to connect with me what really happened.
 
Sometimes when you have the label of a chronic disease you want to hide it, thinking it’s a weakness, when in reality it is just another piece of who you are. I truly believe if we all shared our realities – that everyone has their “thing” – and we’d find strength in coming together – solutions based on our experiences – and in the end be stronger together.
 
I look at the pictures from last night and I can see the pain in my eyes, my posture looks awkward as I navigated all movements while doing my best to avoid causing my nerves to jump, stab, and burn each time. I get a little sad when I can see my suffering. I know I am not alone though, and I know there is a blessing in everything if we just look for it.
 
I’m not 100% today, I am a lot better than yesterday. My mind is clearer and my body is no longer screaming. I know I did the right thing at the time.
So today I want to shout out praise for the medical community, give strength and high fives to all who walk through life carrying an invisible cross, and continue on my path with heart and eyes wide open.
 
Now it’s time to dust off my cape, straighten my tiara, and get back to life. ❤
 
Much love kids, thank you for being a part of my journey. xo
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Being a mama is a wild wild ride

My eyes are overflowing as I look at my Facebook “on this day” and hear my baby boy’s voice….

There are times as a mama that I am certain that I am f*cking everything up. That I could be better, read more, teach more, have more patience, be present more often, hug more, laugh more, live more….Was I too hard on the oldest? Am I too lenient with the youngest? Not present enough with the middle? Should I have stayed married to their dad? Fed them more veggies? Brought them that extra glass of water at bedtime?

Hell, tears are literally streaming down my face as I flash back over the last two decades of parenting….I’ve been a mama longer than I haven’t at this point in my life and my youngest is only in Kindergarten…my parenting road is long and never-ending. It’s full of gifts I couldn’t even have imagined. It’s the hardest damn job I’ve ever had and the best at the same exact time. Having children means exposing your heart to the world, watching them grow, setting the best example possible, and holding your breath as you witness their learning in progress.

Could I have done better?  I ask myself this frequently. Am I being the best human  I can possibly be in this very moment to set a positive example for my babies? Yes. Though some times I don’t have much available at that nanosecond in time.

I was just a baby myself when  I got pregnant. 21, single, trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up – or more often – what to wear on a Friday night…. My first instinct was that having a baby was NOT a good idea. I didn’t tell their dad, instead I told my BFF and made my clinic appointment. I walked in that day and changed my life forever. I walked out scared, elated, determined and for the first time in my short life – thinking not about what I wanted to do – instead I had a new priority – my child. That was it – from that very moment on – I have not been guided by my wants/needs but those of my children. Every decision, from work to grocery shopping to schools to trips, is made with them in mind. How will this impact their wiring, their future, the world?

And then I hear Andrew’s song, or see Jace play with Dyl and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did something right. I always wanted to make the world a better place, and lookie there – I did – through them.

Shine on baby boys – mama loves you more than you know. Thank you for, everything. ❤

 

Black Friday 

So the average shopper spent around $403 on Black Friday in 2015 – I’m assuming it’s a similar amount for last year.  

I spent $526 on this famed day and didn’t wait in any lines overnight, get trampled, or wind up with an outdated electronic 6 months later.

I wound up here instead:

I’m on an island in the middle of the Atlantic, Terceira, surrounded by some of the most amazing sights I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve met some fabulous people, learned a wee bit of Portuguese, repelled down a canyon, hiked a lava tube, fell off a bike, took selfies with cows, watched the sun rise and set, and made a humongous deposit of life points in my memory bank. 

Travel isn’t expensive, it isn’t prohibitive,  it’s a choice. 

This entire trip will cost me about $1200 when all is said and done – to me, it’s priceless. 

The new friends who are so close in such a short period of time they shoot right to framily status, the culture, and the week long view into another way of life will mold my future far beyond a new phone, gift, or outfit ever could. 

Go ahead, skip the latest and greatest and go old school….making photographs your priceless keepsakes and raising your lid, expanding your horizons, while living your life with passion and meaning. 

To save 1200 in 4 months is a mere 300/month. Cancel your cable and skip the trade in of your car/phone/whatever and you can find yourself here too….

Filled with awe, wonder, and love. 

What are you waiting for? Go make some memories. Expand your horizons. Lift your lid – live the life of your dreams. 

XO

When you live your life outloud…

I speak my mind. I share my thoughts, dreams, successes, challenges. My struggles are pretty transparent because I fully believe we can all relate to them and I’m not alone.

Some judge me for this. They think I shouldn’t share so much. Some applaud me for this. They can relate and stop feeling alone. 

What happens when it’s your significant other that takes offense? 

I took down a recent Facebook post of a quote that resonated with me because he didn’t like it. He got a text from a friend who asked him if everything was ok after reading it. He got upset that people would think it was about him. It was more weight on the relationship that was teetering off balance to begin with. 

We’ve been struggling lately. I think it would be safe to say both of our love tanks are on E. Because of this, everything hurts. There is no communication. There is no intimacy.  There are walls, negative patterns, and hurt. It really does blow massive chunks.

I think of my fav book of all time: Fierce Conversations. “The conversation is the relationship.” What if there is no conversation?

I’m supposed to fly to Portugal today – girls trip – purchased back in November. 

Do you go when things suck so bad at home? Would the relationship be better with a break or will it be damaged further? Does it matter at all?

We come from two completely different worlds. What is status quo in his seems foreign to me. What I assume to be normal adult behaviour is something that he’s never experienced.  What draws us together? I used to say it was that we were wired the same…growth minded, high achievers. I guess that is still true. The coming together on day to day is nearly impossible though. 

I’ve felt lonely and taken for granted for ages now. I’m tired of having the same conversations. I’ve begun to withdraw.

The conversation is the relationship. 

Doesn’t work when there is no communication beyond a few words each day. 

Where do I go from here?

I am….


Affirmations are key – they say that what you tell yourself throughout the day is what you believe and how you literally wire your brain. So if you say “I’m broke” all day – guess what, you are. It’s kinda like the whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.

So I was going to write a blog with the title “I am not a baby mama”. There’s a long winded story – or meadow report as Tony Robbins would say – about why I was going to do this.  However, once I typed the subject line, I remembered hearing our minds don’t really recognize the “not” part – and it’s really not all that positive and inspiring for myself or others.

So I changed it.

Just like that. A simple decision will lead me to type different words and change the lens through which I see the current situation.

I am a woman. A strong, beautiful, vibrant, predictably unpredictable woman. I am a mama. I am a business owner. I am full of love and light. I live to taste every last drop that life has to offer. I see something I want to do or be and I take action. I am the creator of my destiny.

This is a world that I created through years of reading, writing, meditating, learning, growing, and more. Each one of my decisions have shaped this very second right now. Me, sitting in my office, playing theme songs of my friends, next to my assistant – shaking the nervous energy out of my leg, wishing I had the lemon water that I left in the car, wondering if I have time for lunch before my 3pm call with the mediator. Nervous about that call, it’s about my baby and his future. It’s about what’s best for him. I stop for a second to ask for wisdom and guidance to be able to see a clear picture and know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I am making the right decisions.

Wow, didn’t expect that to come out. I’m going to pour more energy in that direction. It vibrates a heck of lot higher than a rant about limiting beliefs and stories held so strongly by others.

After a deep breath….

I am a mama.

I am love.

I am light.

I am open to change.

I am stardust.

I am strong.

I love.

I give.

I thrive.

I am grateful. Very, very grateful.

xo