The ripple effect

I’m known to say “nothing happens in a vacuum” – every single action we take or don’t take changes the future.

Most are slight.

It’s why the 2mm rule exists.

If you change your current actions just a smidge, your trajectory experiences a drastic shift.

We can only control our actions. It is in putting good out there that we create ripples of positive energy that stretch far beyond our imagination.

The same goes with negative actions.

The outcome of our behaviours influence those around us – good and bad.

How do we level up?

Don’t participate in the negative. Think big picture.

There was a party recently that I chose not to attend. Was there anything heinous about the event? Likely not. Would it have been “that bad” if I went? Doubt it. Would I have had fun? Possibly. Those are not good reasons to participate.

Reasons or results – can’t have both.

I’m close enough to the people involved to know that we have a drastically different set of values. I’m more of a big picture gal – wanting to raise my frequency and make a positive, lasting impact.

Lasting is the key word.

At first glance – we appear to have a significant amount in common. It is the underlying drivers that are in conflict.

Instant gratification vs long term joy.

I don’t vibe with “for the moment” as a rule. I don’t enjoy fire drills. I know that I am not immune to the ripple effect. No YOLO when it comes to justifying negative behaviours.

I saw a video on social media from the party. Obviously illegal fireworks were being set of at the edge of the woods. A person commented “Aren’t you concerned about the fire hazzard?”. Multiple party goers laughed in response – emphatically stating that they were not at all concerned.

And that is what makes me sick.

Birds of a feather flock together. People like to be around people who support their beliefs. It’s why you constantly hear that your network is your net worth or that you are the sum of your 5 closest friends.

Choose wisely.

Is it the end of the world that there were fireworks – not at all.

It’s the poisonous mentality that I chose to stay away from. In that mindset boundaries are blown regularly. It’s a world where everything from drug use to infidelity are permissible. It’s a world full of reasons and comparing themselves to people who are vibing lower and declaring themselves better instead of looking above and striving to be more.

I don’t want to live in complacency. So I chose to decline the invitation, multiple times.

I’m not going to sugar coat it – it hurts on many levels. However I stood true to my values and didn’t have that sick feeling of being somewhere that I wasn’t comfortable, doing things I didn’t agree with.

I stayed away from the instant gratification of 4 wheelers through wetlands, fireworks in the woods, recreational drug use, and general irresponsibility last night. And I’m proud of myself.

Instead I caught up with old friends, expanded my knowledge base, discussed business ideas, and planned trips. Came home sober and negotiated some contracts before bed. Setting me up for a win today.

My heart aches for much of the good that was there and for dreams that will never come true.

I’m far from perfect and I can see the slippery slope that erodes my spirit when I let my boundaries slide. My intuition is louder than ever, pushing me to do the work and not fall into the comfort of the chaos.

I want my ripples to be positive. I want my 2mm shift to vibe higher. I want to live each precious day as best I can, and in alignment with my higher power.

I know better and today I choose better.

No judgement. No hate.

Only love.

Namaste.

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Fell down the rabbit hole again.

My second marriage is proving to be the biggest growth opportunity of my life thus far.

And that is saying a mouthful.

I’ve been in the crossroads so many times, and puzzled by the repeated outcome as I cycle through my typical responses.

Repeating the same mistakes over and over again is insanity, right?

These are the tools that brought me to where I am now. And they have served me well. However if I want to vibrate higher and be my best self, I need to upgrade my equipment.

And just how does one become the person they need to be to accomplish the things they aspire to?

Zoom out.

Like way the f*ck out.

Are your actions in alignment? Likely not. The first step is to be able to see it. Really see, understand, and accept. Not judge, excuse, hide, and minimize. Meet yourself where you are at.

Just be.

In 12 step programs they take inventory of their moral defects.

Now that seems a bit harsh, yet totally what is needed.

Don’t just look at it in the negative though.

Each of those supposed defects gave you gifts and served your basic needs…perhaps not the best choice, this is where change comes.

Follow the thread.

Stay with me here.

Take a situation in your life and look at it from the outside. What positives and negatives came from it? Write that shit down because it’s about to get deep up in here – don’t want y’all to get lost or overwhelmed.

We’re going to chunk it down.

Pretend it’s not you in the scene, you’re watching a movie. It is so easy to scream – don’t go into that dark basement while the power is out and the creepy music is playing! Yet, this is what we do in our own lives.

Choose one action that if done differently would have changed the entire outcome.

Now evaluate as to why you made the choice you did. What need did it serve? Was it comfortable? Habit? Make you feel loved? Needed? Respected? Calm? Happy?

What else did it bring to the table that may not have been so awesome?

Were you judgey? Did you hurt someone? Did you disrespect yourself? What loss came of it?

Was this price worth it?

What other tools could you have used to get the same need met?

How do you cultivate those?

This is the space to ruminate in. Allow the answers to come over time. You didnt get here in one day and change doesn’t happen that way either.

Remember the iceberg….a tiny little tip of success above the water with a mountain of ice below.

We’re working on the mountain part here.

Personally I have found that I need to fill my own holes. Love who I am without the constant need to struggle to be good enough. To be better.

Yes, these are good qualities to have, and in the right situations my deep sense of responsibility and ability to push through is coveted. However, don’t use a sledgehammer when a simple tap will do. It’s the wrong tool sometimes. Back to the toolbox to pick another.

With gratitude, put the sledgehammer down and thank it for being at the ready. Appreciate yourself. Love what is.

Take a deep breath, look around, and pick a different one. That won’t leave a giant gaping hole where it isn’t needed.

Love what is. It is all we’ve got. XO

Maple syrup.

I burst into tears this morning because I couldn’t open the screw top to pour syrup on my son’s waffles.

Yes. Syrup made me cry.

In a flash, I was flooded with emotions, which I promptly squelched, and resumed my task of getting that damn top off.

But wait! Are those the feelings I’m supposed to feel?

What were they?

I struggle to unravel the thread of the fabric I only caught a glimpse of.

Sadness. I’m alone. No one is here to help me. I’ve chased away love.

Shame. For making myself the victim. I know better.

Anger. My fucking parents and their insanely dysfunctional household of terror, 45 years later and I’m crying over syrup.

Fear. What if this is it? What if I’m destined to be alone? What if 3 strikes and you are out?

Nausea. Ok not an emotion, still very present.

The headache is back. My brain hurts.

My son asked me why I was crying. I didn’t even know I was.

Why am I so rigid? I sit here and scold myself for all of the things I should be doing better.

I’m tired.

I’m on the precipice.

I will keep going.

I hope I don’t drown.

My brain is about to explode.

The dichotomy of life has my head throbbing. I can’t make sense of it all.

Things I know and understand to be true are in direct conflict with each other.

Which way is right?

How do I know what to do next?

We are supposed to love what is and accept people for who they are without trying to change them. Fact.

Growth is good and worthy of support. Fact.

Standing by your husband in support is good. Fact.

Doing drugs is bad. Fact.

Saving money and planning for the future is good. Fact.

Reckless indulgence is bad. Fact.

Beating your children is bad. Fact.

Disrespecting your parents is bad. Fact.

Wait.

What if a parent hits a child? Is disrespect warrented?

What if a spouse is reckless? Do you still support it?

I know better and don’t do better. Fact.

This makes me bad.

Wait. I’m good, I know I am.

No, I can’t be. I try so fucking hard but it’s never enough.

Enough for what?

Seriously, what am I looking for?

Love.

Maybe. Yes. And.

To know that I am good.

That I am worthy.

I do know that, don’t I? At the cerebral level anyway.

Am I?

Am I worthy of love? Am I good?

No, I can’t be. I fuck up all the time. I make bad choices. I can do better. I can be better. I’m not good. I’m bad.

What the actual fuck? You are not bad. Stop being a judgemental asshole.

I need to get angry. Maybe.

I don’t like anger. I abhor it actually.

Yet at times I am full of rage. Deep inside. I hold it together. I push it down. Every once in a while it sneaks out.

It’s an endless cycle. My feedback loop always completes the circle with “I am bad” and “I need to try harder.”

How do I escape the wheel? How do I accept me?

My head hurts. I want to solve the puzzle.

I don’t want to quit. Again.

I don’t want to distract. Again.

Shit. Those agains are punishing. I’m still spinning.

Stop.

Pause.

Breathe.

Accept.

Maybe meditation is the answer.

Maybe, just maybe, I am good enough.

No. I can be better. I know better. Work harder, push harder.

I’m tired.

There I go again.

Time to stop tonight. I’m trapped in working out the problem and need to walk away for the solution.

Breathe.

If you are in a toxic relationship….

It means you are toxic too – ruminate there for a minute.

I was in serious denial at the start. So stinking happy. Blew off every red flag. Looked at his world through my filter.

We weren’t speaking the same language.

It started out with jolts of truth – that didn’t match my version of reality.

Ouch.

I would have long conversations explaining what I saw from my side of the room and convinced myself that this was the work needed to lay the foundation for a solid relationship.

I tolerated things I didn’t vibe with in the name of love.

It wasn’t love. It was a toxic mimic.

Love builds you up. Love supports. Love is honest. Love is pure.

Manipulation is the opposite of love. Lack of respect and boundaries leads to deception and control issues.

Negative behaviors feed on themselves. The death spiral begins.

Can you stop the spin?

Not alone.

Trust is shattered.

It will never be the same again, and quite frankly you wouldn’t want it to be….for that world of false love is how you got here.

How “I” got here.

It hurts to stay. It hurts to leave. It hurts to grow. It hurts to recede.

Avoiding the pain allows it to build up into an avalanche of poisonous emotions demanding to be felt.

The choice to feel them or run from them is always front and center.

Both are exhausting, only one has an end.

You must feel to heal.

Crack open, be gentle with yourself, and work through the pain.

Allow it to be felt. Write, run, meditate, share, cry, honor – let it wash over you.

Be grateful.

Be honest.

Just be.

I can do this. I know I can.

XO