The dichotomy of life has my head throbbing. I can’t make sense of it all.
Things I know and understand to be true are in direct conflict with each other.
Which way is right?
How do I know what to do next?
We are supposed to love what is and accept people for who they are without trying to change them. Fact.
Growth is good and worthy of support. Fact.
Standing by your husband in support is good. Fact.
Doing drugs is bad. Fact.
Saving money and planning for the future is good. Fact.
Reckless indulgence is bad. Fact.
Beating your children is bad. Fact.
Disrespecting your parents is bad. Fact.
What if a parent hits a child? Is disrespect warrented?
What if a spouse is reckless? Do you still support it?
I know better and don’t do better. Fact.
This makes me bad.
Wait. I’m good, I know I am.
No, I can’t be. I try so fucking hard but it’s never enough.
Enough for what?
Seriously, what am I looking for?
Maybe. Yes. And.
To know that I am good.
That I am worthy.
I do know that, don’t I? At the cerebral level anyway.
Am I worthy of love? Am I good?
No, I can’t be. I fuck up all the time. I make bad choices. I can do better. I can be better. I’m not good. I’m bad.
What the actual fuck? You are not bad. Stop being a judgemental asshole.
I need to get angry. Maybe.
I don’t like anger. I abhor it actually.
Yet at times I am full of rage. Deep inside. I hold it together. I push it down. Every once in a while it sneaks out.
It’s an endless cycle. My feedback loop always completes the circle with “I am bad” and “I need to try harder.”
How do I escape the wheel? How do I accept me?
My head hurts. I want to solve the puzzle.
I don’t want to quit. Again.
I don’t want to distract. Again.
Shit. Those agains are punishing. I’m still spinning.
Maybe meditation is the answer.
Maybe, just maybe, I am good enough.
No. I can be better. I know better. Work harder, push harder.
There I go again.
Time to stop tonight. I’m trapped in working out the problem and need to walk away for the solution.