Maple syrup.

I burst into tears this morning because I couldn’t open the screw top to pour syrup on my son’s waffles.

Yes. Syrup made me cry.

In a flash, I was flooded with emotions, which I promptly squelched, and resumed my task of getting that damn top off.

But wait! Are those the feelings I’m supposed to feel?

What were they?

I struggle to unravel the thread of the fabric I only caught a glimpse of.

Sadness. I’m alone. No one is here to help me. I’ve chased away love.

Shame. For making myself the victim. I know better.

Anger. My fucking parents and their insanely dysfunctional household of terror, 45 years later and I’m crying over syrup.

Fear. What if this is it? What if I’m destined to be alone? What if 3 strikes and you are out?

Nausea. Ok not an emotion, still very present.

The headache is back. My brain hurts.

My son asked me why I was crying. I didn’t even know I was.

Why am I so rigid? I sit here and scold myself for all of the things I should be doing better.

I’m tired.

I’m on the precipice.

I will keep going.

I hope I don’t drown.

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My brain is about to explode.

The dichotomy of life has my head throbbing. I can’t make sense of it all.

Things I know and understand to be true are in direct conflict with each other.

Which way is right?

How do I know what to do next?

We are supposed to love what is and accept people for who they are without trying to change them. Fact.

Growth is good and worthy of support. Fact.

Standing by your husband in support is good. Fact.

Doing drugs is bad. Fact.

Saving money and planning for the future is good. Fact.

Reckless indulgence is bad. Fact.

Beating your children is bad. Fact.

Disrespecting your parents is bad. Fact.

Wait.

What if a parent hits a child? Is disrespect warrented?

What if a spouse is reckless? Do you still support it?

I know better and don’t do better. Fact.

This makes me bad.

Wait. I’m good, I know I am.

No, I can’t be. I try so fucking hard but it’s never enough.

Enough for what?

Seriously, what am I looking for?

Love.

Maybe. Yes. And.

To know that I am good.

That I am worthy.

I do know that, don’t I? At the cerebral level anyway.

Am I?

Am I worthy of love? Am I good?

No, I can’t be. I fuck up all the time. I make bad choices. I can do better. I can be better. I’m not good. I’m bad.

What the actual fuck? You are not bad. Stop being a judgemental asshole.

I need to get angry. Maybe.

I don’t like anger. I abhor it actually.

Yet at times I am full of rage. Deep inside. I hold it together. I push it down. Every once in a while it sneaks out.

It’s an endless cycle. My feedback loop always completes the circle with “I am bad” and “I need to try harder.”

How do I escape the wheel? How do I accept me?

My head hurts. I want to solve the puzzle.

I don’t want to quit. Again.

I don’t want to distract. Again.

Shit. Those agains are punishing. I’m still spinning.

Stop.

Pause.

Breathe.

Accept.

Maybe meditation is the answer.

Maybe, just maybe, I am good enough.

No. I can be better. I know better. Work harder, push harder.

I’m tired.

There I go again.

Time to stop tonight. I’m trapped in working out the problem and need to walk away for the solution.

Breathe.

At night…

This is where my mind spins the most.

I ponder the day and let my brain chase whatever squirrel it finds…

Sometimes it is too much for me…I attempt to quell the noise with work or food or sleep.

Other times I’m inspired, connecting dots and accepting the new vision before me.

And then there are the times when I get stuck in it. The sticky dark is what I call it.

When I lament my choices and am far from kind to myself.

Thankfully those times are few and far between.

I think back to the book “Miracle Morning”…I wish there was one for the evenings too….a plan to adhere to when I’m stymied by choice.

I heard recently that clutter is simply delayed decisions.

While the context of the quote was tangible, it applies to my head as well.

Perhaps the overwhelm would slow down a bit if I stopped spinning my wheels and living in the middle.

It’s an awful place to be. Not one thing, not another.

A nothingness full of everything.

I will tire soon, my eyes will get heavy, and I will be relieved as sleep befalls me.

Hoping to make magic tomorrow.

I see now, by the glow of my phone, that magic is simply waiting for me to clear out the clutter and decide.

Home

They say you can’t go home again. Or is it that you can? And where is home anyway?

I have several.

I’m at one now. Corolla, NC. I was not born here, I have no family here, I never even visited until I was in my mid 20s – yet I grew up here.

I raised my babies here. I sought refuge in the sound of the surf. I walked the same 3 miles of this shoreline an infinite number of times – seeing something new at every vista. I laughed here. I cried here. I struggled and I revived.

I haven’t been here in about 5 years. A far cry from monthly jaunts and hoa meetings for the better part of 2 decades .

I didn’t know I would be mere blocks from my home, until I was.

Tears well up repeatedly. Memories, fond and fragile pour in.

I say I used to have my shit together. And maybe I did. What does it freaking matter anyway? That was yesterday, a lifetime ago that feels like it never happened. Was it a dream? Did I treasure it like I should have?

Again, irrelevant. I only have this moment. The now. This decision, right this second, where I choose to explore my memories through words.

Tears well up again.

I am grateful. I am sad. I show Dylan all of the places his brothers know so well. I remember his first Easter here, as a baby, and a family of five. I recall naming him in a local restaurant. I look for the wild boar I have yet to find. I fixate on the surf and question the universe too much. I cry for what never will be, what once was, and the missing pieces of hopes and dreams that I seem to have misplaced.

This is home. A safe place to explore and grow – full of history and possibilities.

A shitty moment does not define the day.

Today was a 9, although it started flatlined, even negative….  As I reflect, I’m actually surprised I didn’t let it totally derail me. I sit here quite contented that I had a good day, maybe there really has been a wee bit of personal growth over the last few months…
So y’all know about MS, and my recent 6 day fast in an attempt to reset. Well, it didn’t work. One by one my symptoms came back, worse. My best guess is that there might be some sort of food allergy (getting tested next month) or that the stress of the whole ordeal set me off. 

One of my original presenting symptoms was bladder control – at 29 I was mortified. Still am. For the most part it is controlled, only when things get really bad does it come into play. Like last night.

Great way to start the day. Add the second snowless snow day for Dyl, contractors ripping apart my master bath, and a full schedule – I was stressed to the max the second I woke up. 

A little short on patience as baby d dilly dallied his way to breakfast, he responded with “I wish I was at papa’s house.” That was one hell of a dagger. I held it together, or so I thought I did, as I limped downstairs to the kitchen when I started sobbing. Piling on the self blame for everything from MS to leaky showers to the dissolution of my first marriage, I threw my tea mug in the sink – and shattered 3 more glasses that were in there in the process. Tears streaming down my face, I began cleaning it up and getting breakfast ready. 

Contractors arrive, noise ensues. I serve Dylan his breakfast – complete with strawberry smoothie – that he promptly spills all over the table, chair, and into the cat food. 

I literally just finished the great glass massacre cleanup when the strawberry disaster occurs. 

More tears. This time both of us. 

Meanwhile phone is blowing up, banging from above, cat wants food – life is still going on.

Don’t they know I hurt? Don’t they know that everything in this moment totally sucks? 

Or does it. 

I took a deep breath. Refocused. Pulled up my big girl panties and proceeded with the day.

And you know what? It got better. Things got done. Progress was made. Joy was had. 

So much so that this morning was but a distant memory that I was only reminded of just now when I went to climb into bed, and realized I never finished washing the sheets.

Life is what we make of it. It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we respond. My tears and guilt were normal reactions, it’s ok to feel those feelings, process them, and move on. 

When we stay stuck or try to avoid feeling them, we don’t serve ourselves or the universe. We reject the gift that each day is and we let our future be decided for us. That is a life by default.

Mine is a life by design. 💖 

Being a mama is a wild wild ride

My eyes are overflowing as I look at my Facebook “on this day” and hear my baby boy’s voice….

There are times as a mama that I am certain that I am f*cking everything up. That I could be better, read more, teach more, have more patience, be present more often, hug more, laugh more, live more….Was I too hard on the oldest? Am I too lenient with the youngest? Not present enough with the middle? Should I have stayed married to their dad? Fed them more veggies? Brought them that extra glass of water at bedtime?

Hell, tears are literally streaming down my face as I flash back over the last two decades of parenting….I’ve been a mama longer than I haven’t at this point in my life and my youngest is only in Kindergarten…my parenting road is long and never-ending. It’s full of gifts I couldn’t even have imagined. It’s the hardest damn job I’ve ever had and the best at the same exact time. Having children means exposing your heart to the world, watching them grow, setting the best example possible, and holding your breath as you witness their learning in progress.

Could I have done better?  I ask myself this frequently. Am I being the best human  I can possibly be in this very moment to set a positive example for my babies? Yes. Though some times I don’t have much available at that nanosecond in time.

I was just a baby myself when  I got pregnant. 21, single, trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up – or more often – what to wear on a Friday night…. My first instinct was that having a baby was NOT a good idea. I didn’t tell their dad, instead I told my BFF and made my clinic appointment. I walked in that day and changed my life forever. I walked out scared, elated, determined and for the first time in my short life – thinking not about what I wanted to do – instead I had a new priority – my child. That was it – from that very moment on – I have not been guided by my wants/needs but those of my children. Every decision, from work to grocery shopping to schools to trips, is made with them in mind. How will this impact their wiring, their future, the world?

And then I hear Andrew’s song, or see Jace play with Dyl and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did something right. I always wanted to make the world a better place, and lookie there – I did – through them.

Shine on baby boys – mama loves you more than you know. Thank you for, everything. ❤

 

I am….


Affirmations are key – they say that what you tell yourself throughout the day is what you believe and how you literally wire your brain. So if you say “I’m broke” all day – guess what, you are. It’s kinda like the whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.

So I was going to write a blog with the title “I am not a baby mama”. There’s a long winded story – or meadow report as Tony Robbins would say – about why I was going to do this.  However, once I typed the subject line, I remembered hearing our minds don’t really recognize the “not” part – and it’s really not all that positive and inspiring for myself or others.

So I changed it.

Just like that. A simple decision will lead me to type different words and change the lens through which I see the current situation.

I am a woman. A strong, beautiful, vibrant, predictably unpredictable woman. I am a mama. I am a business owner. I am full of love and light. I live to taste every last drop that life has to offer. I see something I want to do or be and I take action. I am the creator of my destiny.

This is a world that I created through years of reading, writing, meditating, learning, growing, and more. Each one of my decisions have shaped this very second right now. Me, sitting in my office, playing theme songs of my friends, next to my assistant – shaking the nervous energy out of my leg, wishing I had the lemon water that I left in the car, wondering if I have time for lunch before my 3pm call with the mediator. Nervous about that call, it’s about my baby and his future. It’s about what’s best for him. I stop for a second to ask for wisdom and guidance to be able to see a clear picture and know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I am making the right decisions.

Wow, didn’t expect that to come out. I’m going to pour more energy in that direction. It vibrates a heck of lot higher than a rant about limiting beliefs and stories held so strongly by others.

After a deep breath….

I am a mama.

I am love.

I am light.

I am open to change.

I am stardust.

I am strong.

I love.

I give.

I thrive.

I am grateful. Very, very grateful.

xo