Affirmations are key – they say that what you tell yourself throughout the day is what you believe and how you literally wire your brain. So if you say “I’m broke” all day – guess what, you are. It’s kinda like the whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.
So I was going to write a blog with the title “I am not a baby mama”. There’s a long winded story – or meadow report as Tony Robbins would say – about why I was going to do this. However, once I typed the subject line, I remembered hearing our minds don’t really recognize the “not” part – and it’s really not all that positive and inspiring for myself or others.
So I changed it.
Just like that. A simple decision will lead me to type different words and change the lens through which I see the current situation.
I am a woman. A strong, beautiful, vibrant, predictably unpredictable woman. I am a mama. I am a business owner. I am full of love and light. I live to taste every last drop that life has to offer. I see something I want to do or be and I take action. I am the creator of my destiny.
This is a world that I created through years of reading, writing, meditating, learning, growing, and more. Each one of my decisions have shaped this very second right now. Me, sitting in my office, playing theme songs of my friends, next to my assistant – shaking the nervous energy out of my leg, wishing I had the lemon water that I left in the car, wondering if I have time for lunch before my 3pm call with the mediator. Nervous about that call, it’s about my baby and his future. It’s about what’s best for him. I stop for a second to ask for wisdom and guidance to be able to see a clear picture and know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I am making the right decisions.
Wow, didn’t expect that to come out. I’m going to pour more energy in that direction. It vibrates a heck of lot higher than a rant about limiting beliefs and stories held so strongly by others.
After a deep breath….
I am a mama.
I am love.
I am light.
I am open to change.
I am stardust.
I am strong.
I am grateful. Very, very grateful.
I spend every Thursday morning here, in this room. With candles lit, mediation music on, Wild Orange essential oil wafting through the air, and a view of the pond and nature out the window.
It’s ironic how dramatically different my Thursday mornings are from just a few short years ago.
In 2013, I dreaded this day. It was early in my divorce and my children were with their father on Wednesday nights. This meant that I awoke each Thursday to an empty house. My babies were elsewhere and for the first time in two decades I felt I had no purpose. Deep in my sticky dark I sat, beating myself up for every failure imaginable. For not sticking it out with their father, for not being there when they woke up, for causing the two home shuffle that they didn’t ask for, for not being enough, and more. So much more.
Wednesday nights I would come home, pull in the garage, and have to convince myself to turn the car off. I felt there was no way out. Like I was staring at a brick wall on all sides, no light, no end, no solution. The pain was crushing, it was difficult to find the oxygen in the air. The only way I felt I could fix the situation, allow my children a stable household and escape the gaping hole in my heart was to go away. Permanently.
I had already researched taking my children out of the country, I had gone through what felt like a lifetime of counseling, I had tried everything in my toolbox to fix the problem and came up empty handed.
This bottom I reached is another story for another day. Just know I was desperate, broken, and hanging on by a thread.
So I would shut the car off and go inside. Sleep would cease the pain temporarily, and when the sun rose I would have a few brief seconds of relief before I would realize my babies weren’t there.
I would rise, get dressed, put my headphones in, volume on max, and begin to walk. I walked miles and miles and miles back then. Getting lost in the woods, listening to my playlist I created to keep me going…everything from “I will survive” to “Fuck You”. For hours I would breathe in nature, push my body, sweat, cry, and beg the universe for a sign – anything to know an end to this purgatory was coming.
Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, months to years…I did only what I knew how to do, keep going. The progress was slow, like the transition from winter to summer, I never really noticed that the days were longer and the sun shined brighter. Until now.
It’s 4 years later and I look around. There is no snow on the ground. The trees are full of leaves and the birds sing. I take a deep breath and am filled with gratitude for all that I have. For my babies, their relationship with their father, my new marriage, my step children, the peace in my heart, my business – for life itself.
I didn’t notice the subtle changes. It was like it happened so slowly it wasn’t even detectable, and yet here I am – a million miles from where I was.
I host reiki sessions now on Thursdays. I fill myself up with energy from the universe and allow it to flow through me, sharing it with other people. Most come in looking for the peace I walked in search of years ago. I recognize the look in their eyes, their gaze clouded by their troubles. I listen to their stories and offer them a safe harbor for the next hour. I center myself, asking the powers that be to provide them with what they need. I open my heart and soul, allowing my new found strength to serve as a platform for them to rest on. I feel a strong sense of responsibility to help, to hold their hands and give them a life raft for their choppy seas. I instruct them to breathe and let go, as I do the same.
This is my new Thursday morning ritual. One filled with love, people, energy, and gratitude.
Life is about the journey, the movement, the flow. Whatever you are experiencing right now is just that, right now. Recognize it, love it for what it is, and keep going. Always keep going.
Because after every Thursday is a Friday.
Baby d walks up to me this morning sporting a bottle of cologne….”What’s this mama?”. I say it’s to make you smell good. He immediately follows with, “Can I use it?”.
I instruct him to make sure it is pointing at his body by finding the sprayer before he pushes. We decide his shirt is the best spot for it. So he diligently maneuvers the bottle so that it’s facing his belly and presses down.
It happens in slow motion, I watch the overspray reach his face as he immediately drops the bottle and cries out. We head to the bathroom for a water, towel, and blinking session. Crisis averted.
D then wants to try again. This time he focuses more intensely, lines it up without ever taking his eyes off the sprayer, and pushes down. BAM – this time in his face, worse than before.
Back to the bathroom, with his complexion turning increasingly red from the chemicals, it takes longer to wash it all safely away.
Once we are calmed down, nestled in the car on our way to school, smelling like an Abercrombie & Fitch store – we chat about it.
I say to Dyl – you know how in baseball, wherever you are looking is where you are going to throw the ball? He nods in understanding. The bottle this morning works the same way….you were looking right at it and where did it go? “My eyes”, he says instantly.
What you are looking at is what you are focusing on, and that’s where things will go – I explain to him. I watch his wheels turn, it’s a physical, tangible rule that he totally relates to.
He then changes the subject and begins negotiating for opening the Christmas Countdown Calendar early…we’ve moved on.
It wasn’t until about an hour later, after I dropped him off and had a few moments of quiet to reflect, that the light bulb turns on.
‘Energy goes where attention flows’. I know this principle well. I believe it, remind myself of it, and practice it. Still, it’s a bit woo-woo. It’s simply an idea, with a lot of open mindedness, faith, and pixie dust needed to rally behind it. It’s not something you can scientifically prove….or can you?
I’m currently reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and find my mind being continually blown as the author discusses quantum physic principles and how they connect to the energy and outcomes of our reality. I take the book in tiny chunks, as I stop often to say “OMG!” and bounce these ideas off my tribe as I internalize various pieces.
Back to the cologne incident – which is much easier to digest than advanced science theory – how much more proof do I need?
My brain looks like the inside of a pinball machine as the connecting dots light up. It all comes together in seemingly perfect harmony….what you look for, you will find.
So I ask you this my friends, what are you focusing on? What outcome do you want? Do they match or will you blind yourself with the sweet smell of perfume and wonder why it didn’t work?