When you live your life outloud…

I speak my mind. I share my thoughts, dreams, successes, challenges. My struggles are pretty transparent because I fully believe we can all relate to them and I’m not alone.

Some judge me for this. They think I shouldn’t share so much. Some applaud me for this. They can relate and stop feeling alone. 

What happens when it’s your significant other that takes offense? 

I took down a recent Facebook post of a quote that resonated with me because he didn’t like it. He got a text from a friend who asked him if everything was ok after reading it. He got upset that people would think it was about him. It was more weight on the relationship that was teetering off balance to begin with. 

We’ve been struggling lately. I think it would be safe to say both of our love tanks are on E. Because of this, everything hurts. There is no communication. There is no intimacy.  There are walls, negative patterns, and hurt. It really does blow massive chunks.

I think of my fav book of all time: Fierce Conversations. “The conversation is the relationship.” What if there is no conversation?

I’m supposed to fly to Portugal today – girls trip – purchased back in November. 

Do you go when things suck so bad at home? Would the relationship be better with a break or will it be damaged further? Does it matter at all?

We come from two completely different worlds. What is status quo in his seems foreign to me. What I assume to be normal adult behaviour is something that he’s never experienced.  What draws us together? I used to say it was that we were wired the same…growth minded, high achievers. I guess that is still true. The coming together on day to day is nearly impossible though. 

I’ve felt lonely and taken for granted for ages now. I’m tired of having the same conversations. I’ve begun to withdraw.

The conversation is the relationship. 

Doesn’t work when there is no communication beyond a few words each day. 

Where do I go from here?

Date night

This is sheer brillance. 

About a month ago, T and I decided to have a weekly date night. We’d alternate each Wednesday the planning of such night and it is an appointment not to be missed. 

A lil backstory….we’ve been together for almost 3 years now. Started as nothing, neither of us wanted a relationship, turned into eeeewww feelings, and at one point I actually hired a life coach to keep me away from him. 

Destiny was no match for our objections. We were pulled together like magnets and eventually gave in. And we lived happily ever after.  Um, hell no.

See, we’re people – with feelings, closets full of skeletons, habits, beliefs, children, and exes. And we’re not 20…we’ve been set in our ways for a while….

So begins the task of turning into a “we”. Infatuation turns to love, and simultaneously reality begins to set in. We introduce the children, meet the exes, merge the households, divide the chores, blend the finances. Holy crap is a second marriage more complicated than a first one. 

We slowly, and not without some bruises, learn how to communicate. It’s not as simple as you’d think. Expectations and assumptions spread like wildfire and it’s all we can do some days to just agree to stay. 

When the rare, sweet moments of just the two of us – no bills, kids, work, etc happen – it’s bliss. Our bubble is magical. 

Slowly we learn how to dance outside the bubble without stepping on toes. We read together, grow together, support each other, and apologize when we fuck up – which happens quite a bit. Most importantly we listen, see the big picture, and forgive. Because, well, love.

In the midst of some pretty bumpy roads, I’ve been known to say….”but I like him!”. My spirit craves his, honors his, respects his….so we continue to love and learn and learn to love. 

Back to date night…omg! The anticipation each week is amazing….excitement on both sides…whether the planner or the plannee. The goal is to light each other up, and it works so so well. 

This week I had a bomb dropped on me via email mid day on our coveted date night. Something that would have sent me to bed at noon and under a blanket with tears for at least 48 hours…complete with some sort of binge (Netflix, books, candy crush, ice cream) to distract me and the bare minimum being accomplished in life. But this was date night! I didn’t want to ruin it. 

Now don’t get me wrong, it took me a few hours to recover (wickedly better than days)…and recover I did. 

A house FULL of candles, music (Spotify has a date night playlist that’s awesome btw), wine, lingerie, a table setting of two pillows on the rug with one plate and two forks, take out, and us. It was just what the doctor ordered. 

Nearing the end of our meal, we each choose one of 3 fortune cookies that were in the bag, read it silently to ourselves and then swapped. 

What are the chances??? We look up at each other,  with a smile and a wtf while we reach for the third….maybe this place got a deal on identical fortunes…nope, it was different.

Now I don’t know about you, but I have NEVER gotten the same fortune at the same time and I’ve eaten my fair share of white boxed food in my life…we’re taking it as a sign from the universe. 

This thing called love, marriage, life….we’re doing it right.  We’re putting the energy in and the rewards are amazing. Given my ultra shitty day, I’m going to go so far as to say date night not only reinforced, enhanced, and deepened my relationship – it helped me grow as a better human being- dealing with challenges instead of sitting in them letting them deal with me. 

Even the fortune cookie knows we’ve got a good thing going here. XO